I was somewhat surprised while reading a survey by two Canadian doctors that revealed that a lot of people in their 50s and 60s are binge drinking like never before. When asked, 14 per cent of men and three per cent of women in these age brackets admitted to having more than five consecutive drinks in a short period of time. The article was accompanied by a photo of a 70-something woman at an Oktoberfest event draining a beer stein the size of a Smart Car.

It's estimated that if this trend continues, as many as 3,000 drunken senior citizens could earn VIP passes to Queen's University's homecoming weekend next fall.

So I'm thinking, okay so some seniors are knocking them back like two wayward Baptists in the basement with the curtains closed and the wine barrel burst.

However the news item that caused my jaw to drop so hard it bruised my sternum was the report that Canadian snowbirds are going down to Florida and having wild and unprotected sex.

According to a University of Waterloo professor of gerontology – which sounds like the scientific study of grunting and rutting right there – there is great concern about our snowbirds contracting HIV in Florida by having indiscriminant sex.

Hey, these are people commonly referred to as Grandma and Grandpa. That's right, Baba and Poppy are apparently not going to Florida just for their health anymore. Oh, there's healing going on alright – as in Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. Apparently that's the new elevator music requested by seniors in Florida.

At least some Canadian snowbirds are binge drinking their way through Early Bird Specials and then ripping each other's clothes off in the lobby of the condo complex.

Here then are sure signs Grandpa and Grandma may have mistaken Ocala for Orgy, Fla.

• You phone them Christmas morning and they're just getting back from the All Night Mini Putt. (If you know what I mean.)
• You ask Grandpa what he wants for his birthday and he says 17 dozen oysters.
• You ask what they want for Christmas and they reply: "Lots of Herbal X and a Geezer Cam."
• Grandpa brags that he's had his walker customized so that he can ... and you pass out when you hear the words "standing up."
• You're shocked to find out there's a Queen Victoria Secrets catalogue and it features rip-away girdles.
• You overhear Grandpa and Grandma chatting that they might solve the noise problem by installing a muffler on the headboard.
• You call them New Year's Day and you interrupt a wild keg party with some old guy yelling: "I got beads! Show me what you got!"
• You don't know what to make of Grandpa's boast that he's no longer "playing pool with a rope."
• When you confront Granny about this behaviour she replies: "What happens in Panama City, stays in Panama City, dear."
• Police were called to the trailer about a domestic dispute after Grandma called out Rudy Vallee's name again while they were in the throes of passion.
• Grandpa, who used to be the church organist up here, is now the hit at the Boca's Senior Living Complex with his new single, "Hey Mable, Get Off The Table, The Money Is For The Beer?"
• There's rumour of a sex tape involving aprons without strings.
• You mention the game of shuffleboard and Grandpa asks: "Is that like the autoerotic asphyxiation game Agnes and I play in the closet?"
• After Grandma and Grandpa were spotted cavorting naked on Daytona Beach, several-hundred college students cancel their Spring Break and return to class.
• Grandma calls a press conference and confesses to be number 19 on Tiger Woods's hit parade.
• And finally, you pay them a surprise visit and there's a sign on their trailer that reads "If this baby's rockin', don't come knockin'!" And it is. And you don't. And you're frightened.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet go to williamthomas.ca