There is no age limit when it comes to matters of the heart. The stigma of staying alone after one’s partner has died is a thing of the past in most cultures. The truth is, having more than one mate in a lifetime isn’t uncommon.
After research and discussions with a handful of Ontario nursing-home operators and residents, it appears that even into their 80s and 90s, many seniors are not content to spend their days alone.
In speaking with single residents, foremost they mention that they yearn for the companionship a new partner would bring. Others want the whole package. Many still feel that tenderness, touching and being together in bed – including sex – are expressions that remains important to the end of life.
Residents of Burlington’s Heritage Retirement Home, “Bill” and “Lillian” requested anonymity for family reasons but were open with their thoughts and feelings. They are a couple newly in love. Bill is a strikingly handsome 81-year-old and Lillian a delightful, bubbly woman about the same age, beautifully coiffed and dressed, yet with a seemingly school-girl crush that is the real thing.
That’s what love can do, even over 80.
It was just over four years ago that Bill’s wife had died. He is relatively new to the facility. “I stayed rather isolated in the beginning,” he said. “Then one day Lillian came by to watch me work on my puzzles. We haven’t spent a day apart since.”
Some senior romantics must contend with family complaints over their new relationships, but when Lillian told her granddaughter about Bill, she said, “Gran, go for it!” Holding hands on the couch and beaming, Bill and Lillian admit they each felt an immediate attraction and are now truly in love, spending their days together walking and sitting in the park.
Her life is enhanced in practical ways. With Lillian’s poor eyesight, prior to her meeting Bill she was unable to take advantage of the tours that Heritage provides its residents. Now they go together. “He has opened up a whole new world for me. And he has the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen in my life,” she says.
There is no uniformity across the system when it comes to accommodating residents who begin dating. Just like parents with teenagers, it seems, some operators are strict while others are liberal. At some homes, residents in love may share rooms. Some homes set aside private areas so that couples may be alone. On the other hand, certain facilities have strong formalized policies with restrictions.
Jan Harper, director of marketing at the Heritage home, says that the facility has no written guidelines. “This is after all, their home, so they should really be able to do whatever they want,” says Harper. “We expect couples to behave as anyone else in public, but behind closed doors is their privilege.
“Personally I love it when I see residents discover a second chance at love – it makes me feel over the moon. For example, Bill just got a new scooter, and every afternoon since, I watch him through my office window, riding his scooter ever-so-slowly while Lillian walks alongside holding his hand.”
Demographics inform us that women tend to outnumber men in any senior residence. Should a dapper fellow move in, rest assured that there can be competition among the females to get his attention. One woman we spoke to, named Erica, is a widow who is not aggressively pursuing the single men – but admits an interest.
She is a striking woman, with a broad smile and sense of presence. She speaks with realism of the prospect of entering a relationship at this stage in one’s life.
“Life is what it is – there is a beginning and there is an end. I had a smooth and content marriage and I have no regrets.”
“I look at the couples here in love, and I do think it is sweet, but we are old people getting older. And there will be inevitable issues. You don’t plan on romance, but fact is it happens quite frequently here. And should it come my way, I am not denying I would reject a relationship.”
Enlightened retirement homes nurture the emotional wellness of their residents as well as the physical health. Healthy romantic relationships tend to promote spiritual health. Gerontologists recommend romance and sex for seniors. Research has shown that love is mentally stimulating and the act of making love improves overall physical well-being.
Says Nancy Jarrell, senior staff member of the Sunrise assisted-living residence of Burlington, finding love in a nursing home is a wonderfully fulfilling experience and one they encourage at Sunrise.
“There have been several romances here and we don’t want to impede on that,” says Jarrell. “When a couple is blossoming, however, we will contact both families and let them know their loved ones are having an intimate relationship.
“We don’t have any hard and fast rules; our only concern is that it is a beneficial and safe experience.”
Back at Heritage Retirement Home in Burlington, another loving couple is thriving. Lloyd and Muriel Throop may not feel the rush of young love, but they are lucky in that they don’t have to go through the uncertainties associated with the early days of courting. Indeed, they have been happily married since Oct. 5, 1946. The previous decade before moving to Heritage, they had spent on the road. “We loved travelling in our motor home for 10 years,” says Lloyd. “Things like that keep you together.”
One mutual bond is their faith. “Faith in each other plus faith in God,” Muriel explains. “We are children of God and he planned that we should meet.”
It was love at first sight in 1941. It was on a street like any other and Lloyd walked by and Muriel was struck. “Then Lloyd went into the service and I went to Toronto for work.” Three years later upon Lloyd’s return, he discovered the woman he’d come home for was in the city and dating another man. “I remember I was splitting wood and thought ‘enough is enough’! I jumped in the car and was there two hours later and we married that fall.”
Sometimes couples become split up when health problems arise but the Throops were able to support each other when Muriel recently a mastectomy. She is feeling great as her man stands beside her – and the love story continues.
