By William Thomas
There’s an awful lot of stuff going straight over my head these days. Yesterday I was listening to the radio and the last item on the noom news is that Hasbro, the US toy and board game giant just received a patent on the smell of Plato. And I’m thinking…really?!? I mean, sure Plato was a great philosopher but as a man he sweated, farted and ate garlic with the best of ‘em. Plus 2,400 years ago deodorant hadn’t even been invented! Why in the hell would Hasbro…
This of course got corrected when I saw it in print. “Hasbro has officially received a patent from the United States Patent and Trademark Office for the scent of Play-Doh, a sweet smelling, vanilla-like fragrance first marketed in 1956.”
Well okay, that’s maybe more pleasant but equally ridiculous. Is Hasbro really going to send “cease and desist” orders to new mothers producing vanilla-scented breast milk? Play-Doh! Honestly, I’d really rather take a whiff of Plato’s armpit than a squishy hunk of rubber. (But before he died, of course.)
Apparently the Internet has become a high-speed confessional for people who hear certain phrases and song lyrics incorrectly. For years fans have been singing along to incorrect lyrics like Starship’s “We built this city on sausage rolls.” Also, by bopping along to Annie Lennox’s “Sweet dreams are made of cheese,” these mis-firing lip syncers have accidentally created what could easily become a delicious musical omelette.
Still stuck on food confusion, many followers of Paul Young have been belting out “Every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you.” Even diehard Adele fanatics misconstrued her Chasing Pavement lyric and found themselves shouting: “Or should I just keep chasing penguins?” (No, not unless you’re a leopard seal).
Simply by browsing comments and reviews of opinionated people on the Net, I see that “home of sexuals” is a popular topic. Sadly, there’s also a lot of talk about “sue of side.” The “hull of cost” in history is hotly debated, with many people claiming to be “grapeful” that they weren’t part of it. Also, there’s a fair bit of criticism against certain nationalities, including the “porch of geese.”
“Hablagated” to make their personal views known, a few people see themselves as “escape goats.” (For the record, a scapegoat is an easy target of blame while an escape goat is just a stubborn little BIlly on the run.)
Attitudes range from those exchanging personal messages that are “none shallot” to “inpuddent” as in “What kind of ‘pre-madonnis’ are you?” In the thin air of cyberspace every man has his “weekness” and even Superman is eventually confronted by his “crip tonight.” (Let’s remember kryptonite is really a “youthimism” for anybody’s “all kill his heel.”)
Although all this stuff makes me crazy and even skeptical that the simple task of composition will ever again be blessed with good grammar and correct spelling. Sadly, I too am guilty. I remember singing along to the great Louis Armstrong song It’s a Wonderful World: “I see skies of blue, And clouds of white, The bright blessed of day, Dogs say good night, And I think to myself, What a wonderful world.”
Wait a minute! Dogs don’t say goodnight? Dogs may whine, whelp, woof, wiggle, prance, sneeze, snort, scratch and sniff–but dogs do not possess verbal skills beyond that of a French mime at a silent charity auction for the hard of hearing.
Think about it, if dogs talked they wouldn’t have to chase cats. They would just yell things like: “Your mother sleeps with strays in the alley!” And that cat would come gunning for Sparky.
You can imagine how I felt when a friend corrected me with: “It’s ‘dark sacred night,’ stupid.” Oh, okay. “I see skies of blue, And clouds of white, The bright blessed of day, The dark sacred night.”
Yeah, that sounds about right. So I made a little mistake. Hey! It’s still a “Woof! Woof! Wunderfilled Wurld” out there.
Find more William Thomas at www.williamthomas.ca