*Long? Could cut “Morgan Reilly” or “Alexander Kerfoot” bit
BioSteel Sports Nutrition Inc. of Toronto just added a marijuana component to its highly successful line of sugar-free power drinks for professional athletes. Then they sold a majority stake in their company to Canopy, a huge Canadian cannabis retailer in order to join the burgeoning market of CBD’s. Cannabidoils are extracts from the cannabis plant that boast all sorts of health benefits from reduced anxiety and depression to overcoming movement disorders and managing pain.
“As soon as it’s certified for sport, you’re going to see it in every locker room” says company CEO John Celenza. Well you had to know that as soon as Granny took up break dancing after her first week on weed that the Toronto Maple Leafs would be ordering CBD’s by the pallet.
It may not enhance the performance of pro athletes but it’s sure going to change their interviews with the press, especially if the team doctor gets the CBD mix all wrong while he’s filling the water bottles. Marijuana tends to unfocus the user, causing him to forget what he’s expected to say and go with the unvarnished truth.
Reporter: “So Morgan, the Leafs just got their heads handed to them by a better team. Tampa Bay looked like they wanted to win more than you guys.”
Rielly: “No, actually they’re a bunch of panty-waists with jealousy issues. Fact of the matter is we were chasing five pucks out there tonight. Plus how often does the other team’s mascot score a goal!”
Reporter: “That’s an amazing wrist shot, Auston…”
Matthews: “I should be Captain. Tavares? What’s that? Portuguese? This is hockey not bocce. I’m American. We’re born leaders.”
Reporter: “Like when you dropped your pants and mooned that female security guard at your condo in Arizona last summer?”
Matthews: “You saw the security tape. Four guys and I was the only one who mooned her. I took the lead. I should be Captain.”
Reporter: “Mitch, normally you smile a lot but tonight you were flat out laughing all over the ice.”
Marner: “Yeah, Muzzy can fart the first six notes of Hotel California. It’s killer material, man.”
Reporter: “So he did it during the national anthem?”
Marner: “Yeah. Two weeks ago.”
Reporter: “Alexander, I was wondering about…”
Kerfoot: “Oh God, I hate it here. Surefoot. Barefoot, Big Foot, Nerdfoot. It’s like I got traded to a peewee all star team. Yesterday Matthews Syran-wrapped the toilet on Marner.”
Tavares: “Is Matthews still whining about not being named Captain? What a wuss! Did you see the video? He drops his pants to moon that security woman but he keeps his gotchies on!?! I know guys in Little Portugal who would beat up for that!”
Reporter: “Freddie you just let in 12 goals setting a new team record.”
Andersen: “Yeah, I’m in the zone, man. I’m seeing everything in slow motion.”
Reporter: “Yeah, but Freddie, the pucks are coming at you in real time.”
Andersen: “Well, it’s a good thing McElhinney had my back out there.”
Reporter: “Ah Freddie, McElhinney was traded two years ago.”
Andersen: “Holy crap! I thought he just changed lockers!”
Please, can we get weed out of the dressing room and into the hands of the fans who really will need it to get through this season.
To book humorist William Thomas
for your guest speaker, go to