Laughlines by WilliamThomas
Recently two popular online news sites in the United States, namely Buzz Feed and The Huffington Post published a series of questions Americans ask about Canada. Apparently Americans are quite curious about the big, cold country even if they can’t find it on a map.
Here then are some of the questions our neighbours are asking about “We The North.” The answers, I’m sad to say, are all mine.
Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
Answer: With the average annual temperature of minus 78º Greenwich Mean, all plants and vegetables in Canada are fabricated from semi-edible plastic. With no root system, weeding the garden is a breeze but malnutrition has become a bit of a problem.
Question: Do you have toilet paper in Canada?
Answer: No, but there has been a run on long grass and leaves. (Note: Poison ivy always has three leaves!)
Question: Do you have the Fourth of July up there?
Answer: We do, but given the difference in the Central Time Zone, we have to celebrate it three days earlier on July 1st. By attaching really long wicks to our fireworks, they go off at the same time as yours do.
Question: Where can I go to see the Queen?
Answer: The Queen welcomes tourists for high tea every day except Sunday at Buckingham Palace in London, Ont. Don’t forget to salute. Tours of Prince Harry’s model train collection are also open to the public.
Question: Are there any ATM’s in Canada?
Answer: Not yet. We are, however, bringing our banking system online so that when you change your American dollars into gold dust at the airport, the currency exchange rate on the weight scales will appear digitally.
Question: Can I buy a souvenir Toonie for $10 American?
Answer: Even better, contact me personally for the “two Loonies for $20 U.S. deal.”
Question: Which direction is north in Canada?
Answer: Oddly enough, north points in the same direction in Canada as it does in the United States. I say “oddly” because no matter which direction the needle points in America, your country is going south fast.
Question: Where can I buy totem pole seeds in Canada?
Answer: Minor Brothers Seed & Feed in Wainfleet, Ont. Plus they have a nice selection of stuffed animal heads for special occasions.
Question: Will I be able to see polar bears in the streets in Canada?
Answer: Not just yet, but as the Arctic Circle melts and floods, pretty soon you’ll be able to see polar bears on streetcars in Toronto. Mayor John Tory sees it as a natural solution to the city’s raccoon problem.
Question: Isn’t Justin Bieber Canadian?
Answer: No, no way. Ryan Gosling is Canadian. William Shatner is Canadian. Pamela Anderson is Canadian. Justin Bieber is British, from Brixton I believe.
Question: How do you get Lake Louise to turn so blue?
Answer: Forty-five million Ty-D-Bol toilet pucks. We hold a one-day tournament on thin ice called “Potty Hockey.”
Question: Can I walk from Hamilton to Toronto by just following the railroad tracks?
Answer: Yeah sure, but if you’re wearing ear buds, look up once in awhile. Also if you overtake a Via Rail train along the way, keep it to yourself.
Question: What time do you turn on the Northern Lights?
Answer: In order to conserve energy, I have to answer that question with a question: “What time will you be watching?”
Question: What state is Toronto in?
Answer: Given the gridlock, the impossible parking, the homeless and the gun violence, I would say Toronto right now is in a State of Disrepair.
Question: Why are they so nice and polite in Canada?
Answer: Canadians have a long and proud history of being respectful and gracious to others. But I can tell you with this whole Trump thing, you’re working on our very last nerve!
For comments go to www.williamthomas.ca