Women putting the romance in mariticide

No Angela Landsbury mind you, but novelist Nancy Crampton Brophy has published a fair bit of “Murder, She Wrote” type books. In The Wrong Cop she wrote about a woman who obsessed about killing her husband and in “The Wrong Husband” she featured a woman who escapes the abuse of her husband by faking her own death.

In her latest story “How to Murder Your Husband” the 68-year-old novelist based in Portland, Oregon gave advice to wanna-be-widows. Should you be leaning that way and thinking about wacking Dwayne over there who in the last 27 years has not once remembered to put the toilet seat down, here are two tips. Never hire a hit man who will likely rat you out in the end. Never use poison because “who wants to hang out with a sick husband?”

Compton Brophy’s latest addition to her “How to Murder Your Husband” series of romances-gone-fatally-wrong came as no surprise to her publisher. However Daniel Brophy, her husband of 27 years, was obviously really, really surprised when he was shot at close range by … wink, wink, nod, nod … an unknown assailant. No signs of a professional hit and no poison involved. The Portland Police Bureau pointed a finger at the novelist and said: Nancy Crampton Brophy – you got lots of plot restructuring to do.

A chef and teacher, Daniel Brophy was found bleeding to death on the kitchen floor of the Oregon Culinary Institute. Compton Brophy is charged with murder and unlawful use of a weapon. A jury will likely decide whether her story should be titled Murder She Wrote or Murder She Did.

This caper sounds an awful lot like that case in which Jean Harris shot her lover, Herman Tarnower, the author of “The Complete Medical Scarsdale Diet” and left the poor bugger bleeding low fat cottage cheese all over the living room rug. So even if Nancy Compton Brophy beats the murder rap, she could still be charged with plagiarism.

If I were in her blood-spattered shoes, I’d be staying up late and banging out Husbands Who Kill Themselves And Then Frame The Wife!

More so than men, women have always displayed a high degree of creativity when it comes to spousal murder, also known as mariticide. Winnie Ruth Judd, a medical secretary from Arizona worked very hard to earn her nickname “The Trunk Murderess.” Busy, busy it seemed Winnie was always packing and unpacking … parts of her friends.

Ignoring the advice of Nancy Crompton Brophy, Mary Ann Colton poisoned between 15 and 21 of her closest relatives including three of her four husbands. It got so bad she had to rent people to come to her birthday parties and her dates brought food tasters along for dinner.

Women have also become infamous for selecting unique weapons with which to kill men.

After arguing with her drunken husband who wouldn’t get off the couch, a Russian woman in St. Petersburg kicked the lever which activated the spring mechanism which folded the unit up into the wall. Then she went shopping. Rescue workers said the man died instantly and upside down with his head pinned between the cushions.

In Cleveland, Ohio, the very large Mia Landingham killed her very small, long-time boyfriend after a relationship marred by domestic abuse. How? Mia sat on the man and then … No, that was it! She just sat on him and smothered the little guy to death. It was likely the first time evidence was ever introduced in a U.S. court of law as Buttock A and Buttock B.

Said the remorseful Mia Landingham: “I just want to say I’m sincerely sorry.”

Yeah, but not as sorry as the boyfriend whose lights went out where the sun doesn’t shine. Man, what a way to go!

“Hey, get off of me! Seriously, get the hell… holy cow it’s dark in here.”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca