By William Thomas
The Twisted Sisters of the Immaculate Church of Caesar’s Palace — that’s my feel-good story of the year so far.
Sisters Mary Margaret Kreuper, principal of the St. James Catholic School in Torrence, California and her favourite teacher, Sister Lana Chang, are prime suspects in an international investigation of embezzlement and facing serious jail time and fines.
While parents were being pressured to donate more and more money for school upgrades, the two nuns lived in a gated community townhouse, drove expensive cars and openly talked about their trips to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe. They claimed that their extravagant lifestyles were sponsored by Chang’s wealthy Chinese relatives.
In fact, these two ladies in black robes with matching bad habits had been diverting funds from the church account to their own personal account for at least 10 years. There may be an additional 15 years’ worth of embezzlement in records the investigators cannot yet find. And nobody, not the church nor the nuns dispute the facts in this case.
Suspiciously, both Kreuper, 77 and Chang, 67 suddenly retired from St. James School last spring. They said they wanted to ‘spend more time with the family’ and I’m guessing it was the Corleone Family in Las Vegas. I mean c’mon, how many nuns do you know who get free drinks at the Tropicana because they claim to know Fredo?!
Nuns stealing from St. James to pay off the Bellagio may not be the original sin, but it’s definitely an original sin. As with anything original, copy catting is bound to follow. Here then are sure-fire signs your very own Catholic nun has a gambling problem…
• A card on Sunday’s collection plate announces that the church is now accepting $50 poker chips.
• Your catholic school’s “Hot Meal Program” has been replaced by “Power Ball – A Team Effort”.
• During a conversation with her, you notice that instead of saying “I beg your pardon” your nun keeps says: “Hit me again!”
• Your nun’s new black veil comes with an embroidered ad on the front for Tally-Ho Playing Cards.
• Although she quickly corrects herself, your nun often refers to choir boys as ‘croupiers’!
• On their Las Vegas run, Southwest Airlines lists her on their passenger list as “The First-Class Flying Nun.”
• For the third Sunday in a row you followed a bookie into the confessional booth.
• When customs officials at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas find $100,000 in cash in your nun’s carry-on, she screams: “It’s a miracle!” and then pretends to pass out.
• Lately she’s been spotted doing shooters at the local pub with a guy who really is a ‘one-armed bandit!’
• Your nun claims all those cop cars that keep coming to her house are part of her ‘personal security detail.’
• The “plain-clothes priest” she meets every day after school turns out to be a convicted loan shark.
• Strangely, every field trip she takes the children on ends up at Fort Erie Race Track by post time.
• Your nun is the only one in the Carmelite order who wears a money-belt.
• When you confide in her that you’re about 80/20 in believing in an Almighty God, she advises you to “take the spread.”
• The portrait of Christ on her office wall has been replaced by a blown-up selfie of her and OJ at Hooters on the Strip.
• Out of nowhere your nun claims she’s the famous “Singing Nun” and a week later she appears on Bravo’s Celebrity Poker.
• A closer look at the crucifix she wears around her neck reveals it to be a key to a room safe at the MGM Grand.
• And finally, your school nun always begins her morning address to her students with: “Let us pray for the Patriots on Sunday.”
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