Ah ha! It’s Seniors on weed we gotta worry about

By William Thomas

With marijuana now legal in Canada and most of us were keeping a watchful eye on teenage tokers, a bunch of aging stoners crashed the party by the back door and ate everything in the fridge! Yeah, even the stuff with ‘best before’ dates stamped in the 1990s!!!

Apparently, the young ones will not be increasing their “getting high” habits just because it’s now legal. Quite the contrary. In Colorado, teenage consumption of marijuana actually decreased after it was legalized four years ago. If it’s taboo, they don’t want it. Legal, sorry, not interested. Old people like stuff legal. So yeah it’ll be seniors bogarting joints in this country in the hazy days to come.

According to the Canadian Science Policy Centre, the use of marijuana among people in Ontario over 50 years of age has nearly tripled in the last ten years and has risen a whopping fivefold since 1977. So, the marijuana market is not Mom and Dad who are too busy watching the kids who are too busy watching their various screens seven and eight hours a day.

So, it’s Grandma and Grandpa who are past worrying about inhaling smoke and hell bent on reducing their aches and pains. And just as we found out when Trivial Pursuit was all the rage, the old folks know a whole lot more than we ever gave them credit for.

“So Gran, now that cannabis is legal, I thought maybe …”

“Campuses? Campuses have always been legal. Though I don’t know why, what with all that smoking dope and illicit fornication going on.”

“Not campuses! Cannabis! Marijuana.”

“Tijuana! Damn! One time! Just one time I do the limbo naked on the bar at the Wonky Donkey Bar and nobody will let me forget about it.”

“Gran, do you have your hearing aids in?”

“Of course I’m wearing my hearing aids. It’s the damn batteries I can’t find!”

“So Gran, I’m thinking you and I could share this joint and see how you feel about cannabis.”

“Well, I was going to put on a pot of tea, but okay, let’s spark it up!”

“Well, I know you never smoked cigarettes so this might be pretty harsh at first.”

“No, never had a cigarette in my life, Dear. But, I have been having a couple of Montecristos after dinner ever since your grandfather died.”

“Oh, okay. But just so you know, your appetite will likely increase and … and so will your libido.”

“Latino! I’ll try one of them, too, if you got one!”

“Okay. Now at first you might get dizzy, so …”

“Honey, holding my breath and standing up quickly so I almost pass out – that’s the most fun I have these days. You gonna light that thing or what?”

“Okay, but if you have errands to run, you probably shouldn’t drive after you smoke up.”

“I know what you mean, Dear. If I have any more fender benders I’m going to have to get car insurance.”

“Also, they say paranoia can be one of the side effects.”

“Well, you know what they say – just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there really isn’t somebody out there trying to getcha!”

“Okay, so here goes … wait – Gran, do you have a pair of tweezers handy?”

“You know Gran, I’m starting to think this might not be the first time you tried marijuana.”

“Well Dear, this is a very special moment sharing an experience with my favourite granddaughter. And I assure you, it’s my first doobie of the day.”

“Tweezers are for amateurs, Dear. Here – use this roach clip and let’s get this party started!”

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca