Life in the Boomer Lane
By Renee Fisher
Loyal readers should know by now that Life in the Boomer Lane leads a pretty darn fascinating life. This usually involves sitting in front of her computer screen in her pajamas, thinking of reasons why she shouldn’t go to the gym. At certain times, though, she is forced to get dressed and go out to do battle with the world.
Yesterday, the main floor toilet started to flush in a never-ending cycle. Now Husband, as is his penchant, handily fixed it several times, each time announcing that the deed was done. LBL suggested that a new toilet might be in order. Now Husband countered that a new toilet wouldn’t allow him to keep fixing the old one. LBL pointed out the erroneous use of the word “fixing.” One more never-ending flush brought Now Husband to admit defeat. The plan was to go check out toilets. In the meantime, LBL decided to check out toilets online. Unfortunately for her, the first one she came across was the Koehler Numi.
The Kohler Numi is a toilet, only in the sense that Trump is a president. We know what the words “toilet” and “president” mean, and we know what the jobs of either should be. But we are unable to equate any knowledge of that to the object or person that we see. In both cases, we need a new word to define what we are experiencing. In the case of the Kohler Numi, the phrase “exceeding expectations” is an understatement. The Numi is a completely computerized experience. It has a control panel that requires a booklet to understand. It has the following features that you never thought you required in a toilet:
• Chair-height seating to make sitting down and standing up easier for most adults.
• Motion-activated, hands-free opening/ closing of seat and cover.
• Dual flush
• Advanced cleansing functionality with self-cleaning wand, precision air dryer, and deodorizing filter all in one.
• Heated seat and foot warmer.
• Ambient lighting with eight colours and three programming options. (an LBL favourite)
• Touch-screen remote control with magnetic wall-mount docking station.
• Built-in speakers play pre-programmed custom Numi song, FM radio, or your personalized music from a portable device via Bluetooth or auxiliary cable, or simply load a playlist or welcome message to the SD card.
• Power-Save mode monitors usage and adjusts heated seat settings to save energy.
• Emergency Flush supports up to 100 flushes during power outage. (another LBL favourite, although she wonders why anyone owning a Numi wouldn’t also own a generator, as well).
Kohler calls the Numi “intelligent.” It is certainly more intelligent than LBL is, when she is using a toilet. LBL does not sing songs to herself, wish she had a heated seat, or muse on anything more than waiting to be finished. And it is not lost on LBL that “Numi” sounds suspiciously like “New Me.”
After viewing the online presentation of the Numi, LBL and Now Husband went to Home Depot. There, they perused an array of toilets. These toilets, while perfectly normal, now looked through LBL’s eyes like hastily-dug shallow holes in the ground, compared to the Numi. They were affronts to civilized elimination. LBL has been ruined. She has glimpsed the future, but, at the $5625 price tag, it is not to be hers. She will, instead, have to return to Home Depot and force herself to choose one of the tragic little toilets they have there. She will think about the Numi every time she uses one of these other so-called “toilets,” knowing what she is missing. And she will lament that her future dinner guests are missing out on an experience that is far more intellectually stimulating than anything they were experiencing at her dinner table.
Farewell, Numi. Alas, the relationship was not meant to be.
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